


You're Not Easy To Love

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:46:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Personalities, they clash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was tv_fan_2008's prompt on LJ: No specific story in mind but ever since Adam tweeted about 'Complicated' by Rihanna, I thought it could be the basis of a good Adam/Tommy fic :) So something really angsty from Adam's POV perhaps...

  
_Sometimes I catch you_  
Sometimes you get away  
Sometimes I read you  
Other times I'm like where are you on the page?  
Sometimes I feel like we will be together forever  
But you're so complicated  
My heart knows better 

_Why is everything with you so complicated?_  
Why do you make it hard to love you, oh I hate it  
Cause if ya really wanna be alone  
I will throw my hands up cause baby I tried  
Everything with you is so complicated  
Oh, why? 

Complicated by Rihanna

Adam knew Tommy was trouble the moment he saw him. He knew, yet he couldn't avoid Tommy. He didn't even try. He actually made sure that Tommy would stay in his life. Monte knew pretty damn amazing bass players, but Tommy fit, and Adam wanted him. Oh, how he wanted him.

At first, the want was just curiosity. Later, it became almost like an obsession. But he knew Tommy was trouble, and that was the reason why he didn't even dream of dating him. Of course, Tommy was mostly straight, and hadn't even dated guys before, but Adam could feel the heat. He knew they were on the same wavelength. They were there. It didn't matter that Adam had a dick. It didn't matter because Tommy saw familiarity in him, the kind that only comes from being open to the most fragile sides of yourself. 

The reason why Tommy was trouble... Adam had wondered about it often. Tommy's world was centered around time that belonged to himself only. He forgot about everything. It was his, and he didn't need anything else. And this made him a sucky boyfriend. Adam had seen girls cry because Tommy didn't need them, didn't ask anything from them, didn't feel like he wanted to even have a life with them. Not because he didn't care, but because he sank deep into his own world. 

But that wasn't the only reason why Tommy Joe Ratliff was trouble. He was one moody fucker. It was all fine and dandy as long as Adam could just ignore the mood shifts and the dark clouds, but there were times when he wanted to drop Tommy on his head, or maybe forget him somewhere along the way. They managed, but it wasn't always easy. 

The problem was they had something real between them, and it was always there. Adam wanted to think it was something everyone had, but sometimes he wondered if it was just them, just something only they had, some kind of an otherworldly connection that made him know exactly what Tommy needed, and made Tommy say the right things at the right time, or had them helpless against its pull. Time didn't make any difference. They could be separate for months with just the smallest amount of messaging, and when they met it was like time had stood still while waiting for them to get over their stupid need for separation. 

They dated other people. They lived their lives. They had their own obligations and demands. 

And then, their relationship sneaked up on them. It began with Tommy on his knees just before the fourteenth gig of the second tour, asking for Adam to fuck his mouth because _god_ , they had waited for too long. 

That didn't make it a relationship, but it made them curious, and it changed the boundaries of their friendship. Adam loved Tommy's dirty mouth, and Tommy loved playing dirty. He made Adam wait. He'd come close, whispering soft words in his ear and planting feather-light touches everywhere, knowing perfectly well what it did to Adam. And he'd walk away because later he would get more. Adam would be rougher, more eager, burning hot and anxious. It started as casual sex, convenient and easy, but it didn't stay that way. 

Now, they are together, and it's the most complicated thing Adam has ever had in his hands. Tommy doesn't know how to commit. He lets Adam as close as he feels comfortable, and then pulls away. The only time Tommy is fully there is when they're touching, be it sex or mere closeness. 

It's maddening to Adam because he keeps his heart open all the time. To have someone close, so close, revealing everything of their little existence, and then tearing that closeness to pieces, pulling away... It hurts. He can't deal. And it's so stupid because he's dealt with it for years. He knew Tommy when they started this thing. He knew what he was getting into. This did not come as a surprise to him. Yet, it cripples him every time. The wall between them is like a mountain or an ocean, and he wonders how it's possible it's there since they've always been so close. 

But Tommy keeps his distance, and forces Adam to use questionable methods to get Tommy's attention. He feels ridiculous and desperate and fucking stupid. He knows they are good to each other, yet it sucks. It hurts. And he doesn't know how to stop it from hurting. He knows he's making Tommy miserable, too, because Tommy can see that he's not happy, that he's not getting what he needs... that this is not enough. He can see how not-being-enough hurts Tommy more than anything else ever could. 

He doesn't want this, can't have it this way, and one night, just before going to sleep at the back room of the bus, he opens the pandora's box, saying, "We're hurting each other."

He could have said, "I love you, but..." and the effect would have been the same. Tommy pulls away, his naked body closing in, tensing so much Adam just wants to soothe the pain away. He won't.

"I ask too much," Adam says, trying to sound as soft as possible, but all the little things that have hurt him over the months creep into his words. "And you give too little. We're miserable." Everything is layered with pain. He can't help it. He tries to hold it back but can't. "I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to feel bad because of me. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy, too."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Tommy asks, brown eyes huge, his mouth a miserable line. "Are you...?"

Adam can't look at him in the eyes so he looks at the ceiling instead. "I can't do this anymore. Not like this. I can't." 

"What?" It's not even a word, and Adam turns to look at Tommy, forces himself to watch what his words cause. Tommy looks like he might throw up, his face distorted in pain. 

"You know I love you, but I don't know how to... I don't know... I can't take it when you pull away so completely. I feel like I have no right for anything of yours. Nothing. We don't plan anything. We don't share anything. I don't feel like you even want to be with me. I feel like I'm convenient. And I know it's not like that, I know you are... you. But that's why, that's why I want you to be with someone who can take it and won't make you feel like a bastard because of who you are."

"But..." Tommy hides his face into the pillow for a second, then breathes out, saying, "You don't even want to try?"

The words are like a punch to his gut. He's never heard Tommy sound like that, so hurt he's nothing but raw feeling. And he caused this. "How would we try? I don't want you to change because of me, and I don't know how to change... It's a fundamental need inside me, the need to be close to someone I love. I can't change it. What can we do?" He really wants to know how they could make it better. He sees no solution, only more agony and sadness.

"You could try trusting me."

That hurts. 

"I suck at relationships, but I've never wanted to be in one as much as I do now."

Adam looks at Tommy, trying to control the anger that wants to spread through him. "Why do you pull away? You weren't like this when we were just friends." He doesn't manage to sound quite as neutral as he would like to, but it's not terrible. He could sound so much worse. 

"Too many feelings." Tommy hugs the pillow, hiding his face again. "It's too much. I don't know what to do with myself."

"So you pull away?"

Tommy nods. 

"If you give me only a fraction of yourself I feel like a slave. It breaks me apart. It makes me weak and powerless. And it makes me miss you. I miss you. I miss what we had. I miss your heart. I miss everything about you. Everything. I want you back. Please."

"Don't want you to go." Tommy reaches out, takes Adam's wrist. "Don't leave."

He can't say anything to that, but he brushes Tommy's hair behind his ear with his free hand, all his love in that one touch. Tommy closes his eyes. "Don't go," he says, then repeats it, moving a little closer. "Please."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this was her second prompt: It ties in with the 'Complicated' prompt with Adam's POV about why a relationship doesn't work out between them. I was listening to 'Stay' by Hurts and I was thinking it might make a perfect basis for a sequel or an alternative POV to the 'Complicated' fic with Tommy's POV and him realising that he doesn't want to live without Adam and struggling to find the words to say how much Adam means to him and ask him to stay.

  
_Alright, everything is alright  
Since you came along  
And before you  
I had nowhere to run to  
Nothing to hold on to  
I came so close to giving it up.  
And I wonder if you know  
How it feels to let you go?_

_You say goodbye in the pouring rain  
And I break down as you walk away.  
Stay, stay.  
'Cause all my life I felt this way  
But I could never find the words to say  
Stay, stay._

_So you change your mind  
And say you're mine.  
Don't leave tonight  
Stay._

Stay by Hurts

Nothing's good between them right now. Adam didn't leave, but he's so unhappy Tommy has never seen him like this. He's snappy sometimes. He can be inconsiderate and stupid. And he's very much a perfectionist who drives everyone up the wall, but he's never been this withdrawn. Adam gets upset, and he shows it. He can be in your face angry if he feels like things are not going the way they should, if there's a good enough reason for it. But he's absolutely never withdrawn, and he never hides. 

Tommy still sleeps with him, goes to the little back room of the bus every night, and curls next to Adam, looks for warmth and forgiveness. He's pathetic because he can't say what he means, what this means to him, because he can't be what Adam wants, because he's unworthy of everything Adam represents. He can't voice his thoughts because if he did he would leave himself wide open for rejection. 

They go eat breakfast to a park one morning. They sit on a bench and listen to birds chirping and children screaming, and even though it's an early morning it still feels like a night to them because they didn't sleep. Adam lay awake for hours, pretending to be sleeping while Tommy read a book about Keith Richards. Tommy's insomnia is back full force, preventing him from getting any rest whatsoever, and Adam knows this, but instead of trying to stroke Tommy to sleep, he acts like he doesn't know. 

It hurts, but he says nothing. And Adam takes him out in the morning because he knows Tommy knows. 

They have Starbucks coffee and hazelnut muffins even though Adam tries to be a health maniac. Adam feels bad so he gets whatever Tommy wants. It's sweet and a little annoying, but he holds Adam's hand for a second too long because he wants Adam to know that he noticed and appreciates it.

"Tell me what to do," Adam says all of a sudden, and Tommy nearly chokes on his coffee. He coughs for a while, his eyes watering, and Adam just looks ahead, drinking his coffee, his shoulders tense. 

His heart goes crazy when he realizes he's going to give Adam something he's never ever given to anyone else. "Ask me anything," he says. 

Adam almost touches his knee, but then pulls his hand away, placing it on his own knee instead. "Who made you feel like you're not worth anyone's love?"

He knew Adam would know what to ask, and he still let him do it. "Nobody. I learned that on my own," he says after a while. "And maybe a long list of people who all have said that they want me and when they get me... they get disappointed. It's a pattern."

"I'm not disappointed in you."

Tommy sighs, shaking his head. "Yes, you are." 

"I don't mind your fucked up shit. I mind losing you. I miss you. I get nothing from you. Why?"

"Because you'll leave anyway. Because I'll only have you as long as you feel like it. Because you're going to realize how much you want something else, something more, something... I don't know. I don't know how to be more. This is what I always am, and it's never enough. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm trying. What am I doing wrong?" The words just pour out of him. He wants to keep them in, but they have a mind of their own. They want Adam to hear them. 

"Why would I leave if you gave me your heart?" Adam sounds genuinely baffled. "You're beautiful. I love you. I want you."

Anger rises in him so fast he's shaking from the force of it. "We're here because you want to leave. You're no better than any of the others. Everyone leaves. Nobody ever wants to stay. How fucked up am I that not even you can handle me?"

Adam is quiet for a moment, then turns to look at him, his voice so calm and quiet Tommy has never heard him sound like that. "You don't give me a chance to handle you. The only time you let me close is when I touch you."

"I'm letting you close now."

"Tommy, you have a fortress around you."

"Then break it fucking down."

Adam looks shocked, then smiles, his face warm for the first time in weeks, and Tommy breathes a little easier, just like that. "You'd want me to?" Adam touches the side of his face, not caring if anyone sees them. That makes Tommy's heart flutter, and it scares the shit out of him. 

He bites his lip and nods. 

"How do I do that?" Adam asks, leaning close, lips almost touching Tommy's ear. "How?" 

He wants to say: "use your fucking imagination," but that would hurt Adam right now, and he knows Adam is not asking it because he doesn't want to figure it out on his own. He's asking because he needs Tommy to acknowledge it, this little shift that happened here, something he gave Adam. "Push a little harder."

"Okay." Adam kisses his neck, his lips warm and wet, and Tommy closes his eyes, putting a wall around himself and the world but letting Adam stay there with him. 

He notices the change in Adam immediately. Instead of waiting for Tommy to do or say something, Adam just comes to him and demands what he needs. And he's so fucking sweet while doing it, his eyes gorgeous blue and full of sparkles even though he tries to be all serious and dominant. It breaks Tommy's concentration every time, and because it's so new and weird he can't stop himself from looking at Adam with open eyes, and it seems to be enough. Adam is happy and intrigued and very, very excited. 

And because Adam gives him so much time on his own he doesn't mind that Adam also forces him to concentrate on silly things while he's clearly doing something else. Adam can show him funny videos of kittens or pictures from photo shoots, or make him listen to the worst possible music ever, and he makes himself concentrate on those things even though he doesn't want to, or doesn't care, or can't for the life of him understand why he should, but he does anyway. Because Adam loves him, and needs a little attention every once in a while. All he has to do is let Adam push through his defences, not always, but even every fifth time is enough. 

"The international leg of the tour starts soon," Adam says one night, drawing circles to his back. Tommy is lying on his stomach, hands under his pillow. He's pretty much falling asleep, and Adam's voice annoys him. Sleep is still a rare treat, and he doesn't want to lose it. "I want you to travel in first class with me. Please."

Tommy laughs. "You think I would say no to you pampering me?" 

"I never know how you'll react to something. The last time I wanted to buy you flowers you asked what you're supposed to do with them."

"Buy me things, rock star." He spreads his legs, inviting Adam's fingers lower if they want to explore him some more. 

Adam bites his shoulder, but the hand travels where he wants it, and Tommy smirks happily to his pillow. "What do you want me to buy for you?"

"Champagne and strawberries."

"You hate champagne," Adam says, licking his inked skin. "What about a motorcycle? A key to my house? A dog? A gardener to your mom?"

Tommy turns to his side, Adam's hand sliding down his thigh. "What?"

"What, what?"

He can't say the word _key_. He's panicking like crazy. It's been so easy. They've been so good to each other these past weeks, and now this.

Adam pulls his hand away, careful all of a sudden, all that comfortable air gone. "It's okay," Adam says. "It's too soon. Don't worry." Adam sounds withdrawn and sad underneath that cheerful facade. 

Tommy wants to strangle himself, but he can't help feeling relieved. He pulls Adam into a hug, saying nothing and trying to ignore the way Adam doesn't relax in his arms. It's going to be okay. 

But it's not, not even on stage. So far nothing much has been able to affect their stage play, but this does. Adam stays far away from Tommy, making it blatantly clear to everyone that he can't handle being close to his bassist. 

Tommy stomps after Adam when the gig is over, and closes the dressing room door behind him. 

"Sorry," Adam says, not sounding sorry at all. "I can't do this now. I'm dead tired, Tommy. Just go. I'll be there soon."

Tommy looks at Adam's broad back, his crazy costume, and the hair that has more volume than rococo wigs. Adam is precious to him. "I haven't told anyone about you, about us," he finally says. "I don't want to... I can't let myself think that this is something serious. I never can. You'll go. That's how this goes. Always. If you leave when I'm wide open I won't be able to pull myself back together. I don't know how to do this. I've never been good with relationships. I'm a loner. Music is mostly everything I want to do. I don't sleep. I'm cranky. I drink too much. I get upset over things. I'm insecure, and I can be fucking jealous too. There's nothing you want here." This is it. He has to say it. "But... stay. Please." 

Adam says nothing for a while, then he starts undressing slowly. "When you are, when you try nothing... I love that." Adam takes off his leather pants, folding them and putting them into the open bag on the floor. "Be insecure, be afraid, but be that to me and I can take it."

Adam's long legs are slightly spread as he leans against the dressing table, and starts removing his make-up. "Let me handle you," he says, voice soft. "I won't disappoint you. I promise."

He wants to believe everything Adam says, but he can't. 

"And I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. These things will upset me, but I know... I think I finally know how your mind works, and I trust you. I know you like me."

"You're wrong," he blurts out before he can stop himself. Adam's spine goes rigid, and he knows how shitty it sounded. "I don't like you. I love you." He hopes the words sink in. He wants Adam to know that he's not just saying it to make him feel better. He's said it before, but never like this. "I love you."

He looks at the smile spreading on Adam's face, his eyes that shine in the mirror. "You do?" 

"Yeah. This is me. This is all I am. Please take it." He's not even breathing any more. The last time he let anyone this close he got burned so bad he's still licking the wounds. If he believed in God he'd be praying right now. 

Adam turns around slowly, and takes a step towards Tommy, then stops. "This... you... Oh my god..." Adam waves his arms, beyond frustrated, and Tommy bites his lip so he won't laugh. Adam never loses his ability to speak. "Don't you dare laughing at me," Adam says, his body shaking. "I'm tired. And you're... just... everything. Don't laugh."

He pushes himself off the door, and walks up to Adam. He rises on his tiptoes because he wants to kiss Adam, but before he can do anything Adam pulls him close, hugs him so hard he can't breathe. "I swear I'm never gonna get bored with you. You're so weird. I love everything about you. I can't believe people haven't tried to get past your defences. I can't believe... And I'm always going to be miserable if you don't want something, or if you feel pressured, or if you hate something I love, but god, no, no, no, no... I'm not leaving. I'm kind of overwhelmed by you right now, and I really should shut up, but... you. I just want to keep getting to know you. I love you, Tommy."

That breaks him apart. He can't breathe, can't think, can't even be. He needs to get out of there because he's going to make a fool out of himself. He tries to pull back, tries to flee, but Adam holds him close. "It's okay," Adam whispers, but he doesn't know. It's not okay. He's going to have a fucking panic attack. 

"I'm about to bawl my eyes out," Adam says, and he actually sounds dead serious. "I need ice cream." 

Tommy snorts, and then he's either laughing or crying or both. He can't tell because he's too high-strung. "Me too," he whispers in Adam's shirt. "Fuck."

"I'll get us out of here," Adam says quietly, then kisses Tommy's hair. Adam walks them to the nearest surface where he can sit, sets him there, not even trying to see how he's doing, letting him hide his face behind his hands. "Wait here," Adam says carefully, and then goes put some clothes on. 

After a few minutes, Adam comes back, takes his hand, and pulls him up. He follows Adam blindly. "Our bus is waiting in front of the door. There are no fans there." 

He nods, but says nothing because there's nothing he can say. He may be weird to Adam, but Adam is from a different planet to him. He can't believe that his fling with his boss is the one relationship that cracks his shell. 

Inside the bus, Adam pushes him straight to the back room. He's too messed up to feel his surroundings, and he doesn't even know if he saw anyone on their way there. He's just grateful when the door closes behind them.

Adam sits him down on the bed, and again, tells him to wait. He does, toeing his shoes off and then lying down. He feels funny, somehow out of his body, like he's not himself right now, like he's lost something. 

When Adam returns there's ice cream, and he can't stop the smile. Adam smiles back even though Tommy can clearly see he is worried. 

Adam takes off his clothes, leaving only his boxers on, and jumps on the bed next to Tommy. "Want some?" Adam hands him the other spoon, and he takes it, sitting up. Chocolate chip cookie dough. It's too sweet for him. He doesn't even like ice cream, but he eats spoonful after spoonful because Adam will eat it all if he doesn't. They don't talk, but it doesn't matter one bit. It's the best night he's ever had: eating ice cream with his boyfriend who god damn loves him as he is. 

Once the ice cream is finished, Adam puts the carton and the spoons away and lies down, spreading his legs and inviting Tommy between them. He doesn't hesitate, just crawls close enough, and lets Adam pull him in his arms. He feels content, and he sighs, purring a little. 

"I know you don't like anything sweet," Adam says after a while. 

Tommy laughs. 

"You're trying to keep your man skinny."

He bites his cheeks, then says, "I don't mind if you get old and wrinkly. You can become fat, too. I don't care."

Adam huffs. "Shut up."

"You can wear a paper bag over your head, and I'd still walk with you anywhere."

"I'm too pretty for paper bags."

Tommy tilts his head back, and kisses Adam's neck. "You're missing the point here."

"What's that?"

"I'm glad you're beautiful, but it doesn't matter to me. It has never mattered to me. I've never wanted anyone to want me because of the way I look. I don't care about appearances. You're more beautiful to me every day because you're such an amazing person. I don't see you the way others see you. I see what you do, how you smile, how open you are, and that makes you beautiful to me. And that never disappears."

Adam's arms tighten their hold around him. "You know... Nobody has ever said to me that I don't have to be beautiful."

Tommy hears the pain behind those words, and he knows how it feels to be different: too short, too skinny, too girly, too something or other that doesn't fit to the society's standards, but he's one of the lucky ones who've never ever cared about how things look from the outside, not that much anyway. He loves beauty as much as the next person, but it means very little to him. He turns in Adam's arms, straddles his hips, and puts his hands on Adam's shoulders. Adam looks vulnerable and more beautiful than ever before. "You're gorgeous to me," he says, moving his hips a little, slowly, sensually, staring at Adam, leaving himself wide open. 

Adam's hands hold on to his waist, and he continues to move. They haven't fucked like this, but now, he could. He can feel Adam getting hard, and it feels so good. He's still fully clothed, and he wants to get rid of his shirt and pants. He grabs the hem of his shirt, pulls it over his head, and then opens his belt buckle. Adam pushes his hands away, opening the button and the zipper of his jeans, and Tommy moves so they can push his jeans and briefs down. And while he's at it, he takes off his socks, too. 

He pulls Adam's boxers off, then sits on top of him again. Adam has already found the lube, and his heart skips a beat when Adam's wet fingers slide over his hip and down his spine to his hole. He wants it so bad he's breathing quick, harsh, shallow breaths, his mouth open. Adam's fingers fill him, one, two, three, spreading him open, making him ready, and he moans low in his throat. 

"I've never seen anything like you," Adam says, breathless. "Ride me, please."

Tommy nods, and Adam pulls his fingers out, and he's never felt so empty in his life. Adam gets himself wet, and guides him to the right place, and then all he has to do is sit down, very slowly. He's never had so much control over how much and when and what he can take. His back arches, and he throws his head back, revealing just how much this affects him. 

"Oh my god," Adam pants, his hands all over Tommy's body, stroking, loving, so gentle it's almost unbearable. 

He's so full of Adam he doesn't know what to do. He's shocked into silence, but Adam's hands on his hips guide him, lift him up a little, and he knows how to move. He holds on to Adam's shoulders, and rolls his hips, chooses a rhythm that feels too good. Adam pushes back, his legs a strong support. Tommy can think nothing but the feel of Adam inside him, of the way every little movement of his hips makes it somehow different, more real and so out of this world he's reduced to breaths and ache and need, and all he wants is release. 

Adam's hand touches his cock lightly, strokes him only a few times, and he's coming so hard every bone in his body feels like liquid. He cries out, trembling from head to toe, and he collapses on top of Adam, letting Adam fuck into him hard and fast. His toes curl when he feels Adam come, and he bites Adam's shoulder because that's even better than his own orgasm, and he needs all the connection in the world not to fall apart. 

He whines when Adam pulls out, but he's too tired to care about the mess they've made. He can feel Adam's come sliding out of him, and it's still the weirdest feeling ever. He loves it anyway. 

"Baby, you with me still?" Adam asks, pushing his hair back, trying to see his face. 

He mumbles something incoherent, and Adam's sweet laughter fills his ears. 

"You're so adorable like this."

He tries to protest, but he's too tired to do so. And when Adam pushes him on his back, and wipes him clean, he lets it happen. He always lets it happen. "I love you," he whispers like it's the biggest secret in the world. 

"I know," Adam says close to his ear, and then kisses his nose. "I know, okay? I know."

Tommy thinks Adam might be onto something. "Good."

"I'm gonna keep making sure that you know that."

That sounds like such an Adam thing to say. Who makes other people know that they know that you love them. Only Adam. He kisses whatever skin he can find while his eyes are closed, and then says, "You know me."

Adam sucks in a breath. He sounds like he's crying when he says, "I do."


End file.
